Lillie: “Oh! I thought it was just going to be Lego!”

Businesses cottoned on to the fact that there’s money in them there kids many moons ago. Doubtless the dinosaurs were charged extra for Annabel Karmel branded leaves or something. But I don’t think that, in five looooong years of parenting, I’ve seen any brand take quite such advantage of the parental pound than those folks at LEGOtm.

I said nothing about the price of the Star Wars LEGO Wii game (or as original fan Elliott rather wonderfully refers to it, ‘Star Wars: The LEGO’). I took the extortionate price of a LEGO land cruiser on the chin because Ted was so bloody excited about the little R23P0.

But LEGOLAND Windsor…well, LEGOLAND (capital letters a must) Windsor can stick their blocks where the sun don’t shine quite frankly.

It was our own fault really. We didn’t check the website in advance. We foolishly assumed that a day out at the often scoffed at, slightly run down building block based theme park would cost us less than a last minute family holiday. So we blindly tripped along, happily expecting a nice little day out at a toddler-friendly theme park.

Oh how wrong we were. How, very, very wrong and very, very naive.

With our 2for1 vouchers which allowed the kids in gratis with two full paying adults our entrance fee tickets cost £82.80.

Alright, the kids loved it for the most part - the exception being the rapids, Viking River Splash, which soaked us to the skin and brought Ted to tears. The warnings that the ride would be ‘bumpy’ are there but they aren’t indicative of just how unsuitable it would be for smalls.

In fact, getting soaked seems to be a theme at LEGOLAND. Even the rather unimpressive Orient Expedition featured far too much water sprayed without warning directly in to one’s camera/face/mobile phone. The motto certainly seems to be: ‘when in doubt, drench your guests’. A tip I may take on myself for family parties.

The new Atlantis Submarine Voyage, I confess, was excellent. A great idea for small kids, who adored it and really believed they were underwater with the fishes, although as I felt the panic rising it occurred that a few more warnings for those of us with claustrophobia wouldn’t have gone amiss.

Surprisingly, LEGOLAND Windsor is huuuuuge. Which may give you the impression that you’re getting your money’s worth. But with a recommended age range of 2-12 it’s really not practical for its target audience. Little legs soon tire from the incessant walking and your day concludes with an uphill trek to the exit. Superb planning.

When you consider that Lillie pronounced her favourite part of the day to have been LEGO City - a collection of world cities built using the bricks, you have to wonder if the visit was worth the cost.

And since we’re back to cost, here’s a run down of our day at LEGOLAND…

2x adult entrance ticket - £82.80
Parking (yes, they really DO have the cheek to charge you for parking on the dusty waste ground car park too) - £2
4x lunch at Pirate’s BBQ (no children’s options IN A KID’S THEME PARK) and no non-fizzy drinks choices) - £30
4x drinks (only in humungous size) - £7.50
Service station food (Daddy’s pocket reached its limit and we ate on the way home) - £15.79
Petrol - £20.49

If we hadn’t had vouchers the children’s entrance would have cost £62.40

Grand total - £158.58 (or, without vouchers £220.98).

Very generously LEGOLAND offer return tickets for the following day from £10 for an adult and you do need two days if you have small children. However I think most parents would agree that they’d take a smaller park with less rides for a cheaper price. Consider Thomasland at Drayton Manor (I have my own issues with their charging policy but I’ll save that for another day); most five or six year olds will happily spend a full day there and it’s a quarter of the size with a theme that better lends itself to theme parkery.

Usually I’ll find something good to say about anything but in the case of LEGOLAND I’m struggling. I might have been more generous had I not been bombarded by adverts for LEGO of every shape and size as I stood in queues for certain rides and forced to exit through gift shops selling no end of crap but on this occasion I shall be just as joylessly cynical as the brand behind the theme park.

Mummy x

Lillie: ‘when’s my birthday?’
Mummy: ‘tomorrow’
Lillie: ‘is that the next day?’

Today Lillie, chief toddler, turned five. Which, I suppose, means she’s not really a toddler any longer. In fact she probably hasn’t been a toddler since she started school waaaaay back in September. She’s certainly behaved like she’s about 16 for some time now.

This weekend she had a party, her first ‘proper’ party (last year’s cramming of princesses and their parents in to our tiny house is best forgotten) and I thought I’d share with you some tips from our (fairly) successful bash.

Hire a Hall
I’ve always assumed hall hiring to be out of my budget and slightly unnecessary. I mean, isn’t it just a bit extravagant? Actually, to my surprise, and to that of some visiting mums, it only cost us £8 an hour to hire Great Bowden Village Hall which is near home here in Market Harborough. We hired it for three and a half hours but would recommend taking a wee bit extra before starting the party to get set up.

Making Stuff
If your kids are anything like Lillie and her friends they’ll love nothing more than ‘making and sticking and colouring and drawing and cutting and decorating’. With this in mind we decided to give Lillie’s party a cupcake theme and made a couple of batches of cakes for them to spend some time decorating. We whipped up tons of pink icing, laid out sugar sprinkles, dragees, edible confetti and mini marshmallows and let the kids go to town. They seemed to enjoy it, didn’t make too much mess and it made a cute addition to the party bags (which they also decorated)

Tat Free Party Bags
Call me a snob (everybody does) but I hate all that plastic rubbish that goes in to party bags. My house is full of it. We filled ours with pink pencils, sweeties, those kid-made cakes, cars for the boys and sweetpea seeds. I really liked the idea of seeds - it’s something that children can do and learn something from but its still fun. Homebase sell basic packs of sweetpeas for 39p.

Other ideas I like are joke bags with whoopee cushions etc or crafting kits with a tube of glitter, some stickers, feathers etc. I’ve also seen little bags of cookie mix with a cookie cutter which is soooo cute. In fact, damn it, we so should have done that!

Amazon Marketplace
Amazon Marketplace, we discovered while planning this party, is the equivalent of the world’s biggest Wilkos. I mean they sell, literally, everything. We picked up cheap balloons by the armload, empty party bags, paper plates and cups, favours, even cake decorations and bunting. It makes you realise that you probably need not brave town on a Saturday again.

Phone a Friend
Don’t underestimate how much hard work a kid’s party is. Between reassuring unsure children, running games and activities, fetching drinks, making cuppas for parents and ensuring nobody escapes via the back door it’s probably second only to commanding an army. I was extremely lucky that we had friends on hand to wash up, help clear away and step in to entertain children in the lulls in activity (thank you Daisy’s mummy and especially Luke’s Mummy and Daddy who saved the day with their clearing duty and invented the new sport of child curling while holding a newborn baby).

My advice? Call in back up from whatever corner you can. You’ll need it.

Kids Like Running Around Screaming
Daddy and I like to be prepared in these sort of situations. Therefore we had a raft of activities planned to fit predetermined slots, thus (theoretically) ensuring nobody got bored. Ha. Turns out the bits they all liked best were running up and down yelling and hitting each other with balloons, hiding in the loos and trying to sneak a peek at Lil’s birthday presents.

Count Your Pass the Parcel Layers
If you want to dictate who should win in Pass the Parcel be sensible enough to know how many layers of damn paper you’ve put on. You know it make sense.

Mummy x

It’s a well known fact in the Granwa-Granwa household that Sudocrem is, basically, the ultimate panacea. Seriously. You’ve grazed your knee? Sudocrem. You’ve got a spot? Sudocrem. You’ve contracted a rare and life threatening tropical illness? Sudocrem. To this day there can always be found a pot of that magical stuff in the Grandparental bathroom.

And while Mummy and Daddy aren’t quite as worshipful of that retro styled grey and red pot they do agree that nothing is better for red raw nappy bums.

To celebrate the launch of a brand spanking new website and a lovely new Facebook page too, those kind folk at Sudocrem HQ are offering Mums and Dads the opportunity to win a truly bumper prize - a twelve month Merlin Family Pass worth a rather whopping £400. The passes will get you in to the country’s biggest theme parks (Alton Towers, Thorpe Park and Chessington), Madame Tussauds, Sea Life Centres and even on board the London Eye, among others. That’ll save a bob or two.

To enter you’ll need to go and ‘like’ Sudocrem’s Facebook page and share there your funniest baby pic and the story behind it.

the important stuff

Content should relate to children aged 3 and under only. Please note, submissions must not relate or refer in any way to the use of Sudocrem Antiseptic Healing Cream or any other licensed medicine. Photographs and supporting text are both acceptable. The acceptance, disqualification or deletion of competition entries, without explanation or prior notification is entirely at the discretion of Forest Labs, as set out in the Terms and Conditions found on facebook.com/sudocrem. Entries can be submitted up until midnight on Wednesday 16th March 2011.

Read the competition Terms and Conditions here: http://www.facebook.com/sudocrem

Mummy: ‘what did you like about the film?’
Lillie: ‘the bit where it said Destipacle Me’
Mummy: ‘who did you like best in it?’
Lillie: ‘I liked ALL OF THEM!’
Daisy: ‘they were all alright I suppose.’

Every half term or school holiday there’s one movie that tops the list of the kid’s must sees. This Autumn the big one was undoubtedly Despicable Me, the cause of the endless array of little yellow alien creature based advertising for the last approximately 310 years.

So once all the smelly, badly behaved children had returned to school I took my own fragrant always well behaved child and her equally perfect friend to Kettering Odeon to join the three other people in the area yet to have watch the latest Dreamworks offering.

The story goes thus: criminal mastermind Gru (voiced by Steve Carrell) plans to steal the moon with the aid of his many tiny cute minions and his Q style accomplice Nefario (oddly, Russell Brand). Long story short he needs small children to sell cookies in order to achieve his aims. Enter three orphaned girls - cutesy Agnes, ballsy Edith and smart Margo. Mayhem predictably ensues and oh! they win his heart and turn him from evil doer to World’s Best Dad.

It’s predictable stuff with an eye rollingly schmaltzy conclusion, the ending even featuring the inevitable dance-to-a-well-known-disco-track.

While Despicable Me certainly held Daisy and Lil’s attention it was probably a little short on fairies and princesses to make their top three. At four years old apiece a fair few of the jokes probably went way over their heads, although they did make me, as we say in the business, LOL.

From a kid’s point of view - maybe a kid older than our reviewers, perhaps a kid boy-er than our reviewers - this is an ideal combination of big explosions, funny voices and fart jokes. From an adult’s point of view, well, honestly? All the best bits were in the trailer. Carrell is great as the voice of Gru with plenty of laughs however Brand proves that he’s no better as a voice actor than as a live action one. The little yellow minions have clearly been lined up to steal the show, however Lil and Daisy seemed not to be especially taken with them. Even though they did photocopy their bottoms and do karaoke.

And is it just me that feels a bit wrong about having Russell Brand in a kid’s movie? Even if it is only his voice? Yes? You go and try not to think about his too-tight leather trousers then…

Lillie: I’m EXACTLY like Lola aren’t I Mummy?
Mummy: Because you pester your brother constantly?
Lillie: No, because I will never not ever eat a tomato

Charlie and Lola is one of those children’s fads that (unlike certain others, yes, we mean YOU Zing-bloomin-zillas) is just as beloved by parents as it is by children. Adapted from the wonderful books by Lauren Child and featuring voices from the Cbeebies television series, Polka Theatre’s stage play comes to The Curve’s Studio in Leicester this half term.

Fresh from a successful run at Edinburgh this engaging puppet show is guaranteed to delight kids and grown ups alike and we’re giving four tickets to one lucky Charlie and Lola loving family.

The winner will receive four tickets for Charlie and Lola’s Best Bestest Play at The Studio, Curve Theatre Leicester, on Saturday 23rd October 2010.

Competition is now closed!

Every year The Henley Fringe Festival brings a whole host of great theatre to the fancy pants Oxfordshire town which gave us posh stuff like Boris Johnson and regattas. There’s all sorts of grown up shows including comedy, drama and satire from emerging theatre companies, most working on very limited budgets. But grown up theatre is of no interest to us - it’s long and has difficult words in it.

So instead we got ourselves an invite to the Henley Rugby Club to watch a performance of FalconGrange Production’s adaptation of Ronda and David Armitage’s The Lighthouse Keeper’s Lunch.

A two man show starring Daniel Creasey as Mr Grinling and Yvie Magee as his wife (supported by violinist Carole Carpenter and a host of fantastic puppets), The Lighthouse Keeper’s Lunch follows the story of an always hungry Lighthouse Keeper and his wife’s attempts to stop seagulls from eating his lunch. The lunch, it should be noted, is sent via a line stretching from home to lighthouse, tempting seagulls with its airborne yumminess. Why Mr Grinling can’t take a lunchbox in the morning like a normal person we don’t know and neither do the kids seem to care.

With cushions and mats spread across the floor, kids are invited to get up close and personal with the performance, lazing on the same level as the actors as the performance takes place. While some of the audience merrily rolled and raced around the room others - Lil and Ted included - sat entranced by the story and the enthusiasm of the actors who really embraced their roles and kept up a level of energy which caused Mummy to feel slightly out of breath by the end even though she’d done little else other than sit quietly with a cup of coffee.

At little more than half an hour the show was the ideal length for small children - though advertised as being suitable for ages 3-8 much younger kids in the audience seemed to enjoy it with Ted (who never sits still) even managing to maintain interest - and both Magee and Creasey, veterans of the children’s theatre circuit, connected with their mini audience in a way which suggests that perhaps they haven’t yet forgotten what it’s like to be kids themselves. Can we keep them in our understairs cupboard to be brought out on difficult parenting days? Please?

www.falcongrange.com

We love, love, LOVE these amazing Flexibaths, ideal for parents short on space or just for camping and caravanning - well, it’s what all the kids are doing these days.

It looks cooler than any other ‘fold up’ bath on the market and is so much easier to use too, folding completely flat with one touch to be stored out of the way for next bath time.

With a non-slip surface for totally safe bathtimes, the Flexibath is a must for the new parent’s bathroom, making all other baby baths look…well, a little bit old fashioned and twee.

To win your very own Flexibath, worth £29.95, just email competitions@thetoddlerreview.co.uk with your name and address and the subject line ‘Bath Time!’ by 10th September 2010. Winners will be announced here following the closing date.

Competition is now closed!

To find out more about Flexibath see www.flexibath.co.uk.

Random Daughter: ‘Suggs?’

Random Daddy: ‘Yep, Suggs. He’s great.’

Random Daughter: (scoffing) ‘Suggs! That’s more like a name for a turtle!’

This conversation, it should be noted, occurred not long after Suggs – the Suggs, actual real life Suggs, It-Must-Be-Love-Night-Boat-To-Cairo-Baggy-Trousers-Welcome-To-The-House-Of-Fun-dodobedobedo Suggs - walked past us in the queue for churros.

That’s the sort of festival Camp Bestival is. Suggs randomly walking around the crowd sucking down coconut milk while most of punters are more interested in little sticks of sugary dough.

It’s not that the crowd doesn’t appreciate Suggs but, in reality, the average Camp Bestivaler is either to old to do the screaming groupie thing or too young to realise that there’s any significance to a recognisable face.

Unless, of course, that face has a red nose and painted on freckles.

Yes, the biggest name on the Camp Besti bill is CBeebies sensation Mr Tumble. While kids gawped as he joined Saturday’s fancy dress parade thousands of mums fell to their knees and worshipped the only man who can keep their toddlers quiet for more than ten seconds and whom one misguided Toddler Review mummy (NOT ME) has even developed a crush on.

Mummy: ‘Oh my goodness Lil, if Mr Tumble comes out will you wet yourself? I might!’

Another Mummy: (excited) ‘Is he coming on now? Right now?’

Mummy: (enthusiastic nodding) ‘Yes, I think they’re about to get him out…’

Another Mummy: (wide eyed) ‘Get him out? Like they keep him in a box…’

(silence as both mummies contemplate the benefits of Tumble-in-a-Box)

Mr Tumble signed autographs, he smashed the Castle Stage with his Rock ‘n Roly Poly performance – which included a number of hit rock and roll songs, clown stylee and a good old custard pie session, all following an incredible entrance to the Space Odyssey theme, through smoke…on a trike with a comedy horn.

Although the Tumble was a great success, in The Toddler Review’s humble opinion The Gruffalo was less so. A Camp Bestival exclusive, the Castle Stage performance failed to hold Lillie and Ted’s attention. It was too drawn out, too drab and, unless you were one of the few located right up against the stage, near impossible to make out who was who and what was what. As Daddy pointed out ‘when they came on I thought they were stage hands’. The Gruffalo could learn a thing or two from Tumble about stage presence.

Perhaps surprisingly (though perhaps not given Mummy and Lillie’s obsession with them) the hit of the weekend for TTR, kids and ‘rents alike, was the awesome Friendly Fires. As ever the combination of glittery green drums, flamboyantly spastic dancing and the upbeat tracks that have been repeatedly blasted at our children’s ear holes for the last two years hit the spot. The ‘Fires never make a mistake and always get the crowd moving. Daddy was dubious to begin with, ‘will they ever play new songs?’ (yes), giving Mummy the opportunity to hoist rock chick Lil onto her shoulders and shimmy through the crowd to a stage-front spot.

Such is Camp Bestival that a four-year-old is perfectly safe up front, rocking out to Jump In The Pool (and we mean rocking out, Mummy’s shoulders have the ache to prove it) before finally collapsing in to a loud music induced sleep, finally satisfied that her soul reason for visiting Dorset has been fulfilled and she has danced with Ed McFarlane to her very favourite song in the whole widest world.

Mummy: ‘You’ll like him, he’s the only person in the world who dances better than you.’
Lillie: (furious) ‘WHAT?!’

When the music wrapped, after a hard weekend of eclectic weirdness – Chas off Chas n Dave, The Human League, Stornoway, the rather good newly discovered by Mummy and Daddy Wolf Gang, Mr Scruff, George Clinton and Funkadelic, Calvin Harris (Ted: (following Calvin Harris’s set) ‘I GET ALL THE GIRLS I GET ALL THE GIRLS I GET ALL THE GIRLS!’) – the fireworks kicked off in spectacular style, another famous Camp Bestival ending which makes you wonder why London didn’t ask Rob da Bank to sort the Millennium for them.

Mummy: ‘All I can think is that their insurance must be sky high…’
Daddy: ‘I know, and the man must be moving very quickly with his taper.’

While we had some niggles – the campsite was too rocky, too hilly, too sleeping on a slopey, the music line up, though featuring some crackers (uber funky George Clinton and the always amazing value Cuban Brothers) was almost too mainstream, too un-indie, making Sunday’s headliners a bizarre choice, the map was utter bobbins and the programme lacking info for a whopping tenner and, most notably, River Cottage’s mackerel bap was not windproof, resulting in Mummy’s long lusted after Hugh F-W snack being snatched away in a strong gust – Camp Bestival was in many ways the perfect family festival.

Combining music with talks (Daddy absorbed himself in a William Orbit chatette, Mummy waited patiently for a very late Hugh Fearnley Whatischops BEFORE the mackerel bap incident), dance, circus, fairground, theatre, extreme sports, art, fancy dress and what can safely be called the best festival food we’ve chowed, Camp Bestival is very obviously created with a certain type of family in mind. The addition of the Isle of Boden tent is testament to that. The site is absolutely beautiful, everybody from organisers to performers to festival goers is as friendly as they are smiling.

Most importantly the toilets are immaculate (for a festival) nearly the whole way through. It’s the insignificant but so important details like this that make it obvious that for organisers Rob da Bank and his wife Josie, Camp Bestival is a labour of love, something that they really enjoy. Rob and Josie aren’t in it for the money, they’ve created Camp Bestival because if they were going to a festival with their own kids (and TTR did spot them out in the throngs) this is the one they’d want to go to.

Daddy may have complained that ‘it’s so middle class it’s almost too safe,’ but I have a sneaking suspicion that we may be back next year. Especially if a certain roly-poly clown is topping the bill again.

*****

Daddy: ‘Who’s that doing a book signing?’

Mummy: ‘It’s Charlie Higson off the Fast Show. Do you think it’d be ok to ask him Charlie – potato – will – courgette – you – beetroot – sign – broccoli – my – mushroom – book – aubergine?

Daddy: ‘I think he’d love it.’

*****

Mummy: ‘Look Lil! Mr Tumble’s on!’

Lillie: ‘Is it time for Friendly Fires yet?’

*****

Daddy: (after a long disappearance) ‘I don’t mind Calvin Harris but I couldn’t stand all the Mum Dancing.’

*****

Daddy: ‘what was your favourite thing at the festival Ted? Mr Tumble? The Gruffalo? The food? The dancing?’

Ted: ‘BIG WHEEL!’

Daddy: ‘One hundred and fifty five quid per person and he likes the big bloody wheel.’

Rain or shine, these are the events we’ll be donning our IdaT raincoats for (we’ve plugged them before and we’ll plug them again: for IdaT and our other favourite funky kids clothes www.nordickids.co.uk) …

Camp Bestival, Dorset
www.campbestival.co.uk
30 July – 1 August 2010
weekend tickets £155 with camping
For the past few years the Toddlers’ summer has been all about Latitude Festival. But this year due to several issues (mainly revolving around Mummy’s inability to be within 100ft of Florence & The Machine without turning in to The Hulk) we’ve dumped Latitude in favour of Camp Bestival.

We’ve long been fans of Bestival but, in all honesty, have found it a bit much with kids in tow – beginning with the tale of Ted very nearly crowning during a Beastie Boys set 150 miles from the hospital and ending with Lillie stuck waist high in mud. So Camp Bestival promises to be a very pleasing alternative.

For while Mummy and Daddy are rather thrilled at the prospect of Friendly Fires, Madness, Funkadelic and The Fall, Mr Scruff and DJ Yoda, they are well aware that the true headliners of this happy gathering at the beautiful Lulworth Castle will be a chubby sign-language friendly clown and an imaginary monster with a poisonous wart on the end of his nose.

Yup, keep calm folks, Mr Tumble and the Gruffalo are indeed in residence.

Elsewhere Hugh Fearnley Whatischops (The River Cottage Family Cookbook – BUY IT!) is serving up food, there’s acrobats doing highwire stunts, there’s balloon animals, there’s dressing up, there’s cupcakes, there’s…well, let’s just say that for a certain four year old girl, Camp Bestival is heaven. Meanwhile Mummy friendly concepts such as hot showers, camping pitches less than 50m from your car, a WI tea tent, boutique babysitting and on-site pampering treatments are just a few of the fab ideas which make Camp Bestival the UK’s best family-friendly festi.

Standon Calling, Hertfordshire
www.standoncalling.co.uk
6-8 August 2010
weekend tickets £95 with camping
Last year’s last minute visit to Standon Calling was a great success – so much so that TTR are going back for more. We love the friendly vibe of this tiny festival hidden away in the rolling countryside of Hertfordshire. We love the little known acts which make up the majority of the muso-friendly line up (last year’s favourites including the awesome Josh Weller, please check him and his amazing gravity defying hair out). We love the spacious site with its two minute walk from tent to stage, it’s eco-loos and the tree-bar.

This year TTR are planning to get stuck in to the Murder on the Standon Express theme with costumes galore while also checking out tunes from the Buena Vista Social Club, Efterklang and Liars, get involved in interactive theatre, watch a cult movie and even do a little shopping at the fab boutiques setting up camp on site (although Mummy will be leaving the kids outside while she raids the retro lingerie in the wonderful What Katie Did, (see www.whatkatiedid.com) because Ted likes to wear bras as hats and shout ‘BOOBS!’.

In short Standon Calling is the ultimate back garden party, somewhere to chill out, make friends and let the kids run riot. This year’s addition of the The Little Den with its beatboxing workshops, Mr Reggae nursery rhymes, Punch and Judy show and the lovely Emma Kennedy reading from her murder mystery book series, promises to up the family friendly stakes and help mould proper rock ‘n’ roll toddlers too.

The Festival of History, Northamptonshire
www.englishheritage.org.uk
17-18 July 2010
weekend tickets £15.50 for adults, £8.50 children
It would be easy to call us biased, after all The Festival of History boasts the very useful advantage of being a five minute drive from the home of TTR, Market Harborough. But, truly, it really is a fantastic, curious-kid-friendly event worth travelling beyond the end of your road for.

Organised by English Heritage, The Festival of History takes place in the beautiful grounds of Kelmarsh Hall and combines education with a fun day out. There’s plenty of those funny blokes who like dressing up as soldiers recreating battles, but there’s also ‘encampments’ which give an insight in to life through the ages (promising lots of questions from young children confused about why the Saxons didn’t have ovens etc), aerial displays, jousting, food, fairground rides and loads of other stuff to boot.

Proper good, clean fun organised carefully to ensure that your day out is as action packed or as leisurely as you want it to be, The Festival of History will thrill children of all ages. (but remember your ear protectors for those artillery demos, from www.peltorkids.co.uk).

Kew Gardens Summer Festival, London
www.kew.org
until 5 September 2010
tickets £13.50, children free
Kew Gardens remains one of Britain’s most beautiful places, at least according to Mummy, who likes flowers and whatnot. And while Kew is somewhere you can go to simply laze the day away when kids are involved it’s best to have something to keep them occupied.

The great thing about the Kew Gardens team, y’see, is that they’ve recognised that it’s all about the little buggers so not only do they let them in for free – that’s right, F-R-E-E – but they’ve laid on a whole load of stuff which will fascinate them. First on our list is the PLANTastic Play Area which is pitched as an ‘interactive landscape’. So, in baby-brain terms, it’s a clever way to get kids to learn things while getting mucky crawling about on their hands and knees through ‘roots’, flying on a zip wire like a bee and climbing up totem poles shaped like mushrooms. Good-o.

Elsewhere the Prince of Wales Conservatory hosts much more than wicker furniture with its admittedly pretty awesome Butterflies, Bugs and Beasties display. Lil-style girls will adore the exotic butterflies fluttering around them while ultimate-boys like Ted will no doubt get rather excited about the less savoury bugs. Yum.

Toy Story 3, Nationwide
www.disney.co.uk/toystory3
opens 23 July 2010
Yes, we know that Shrek’s got a new one out too but you just can’t beat Buzz. Even if he did snub Daddy at Disneyland Paris.

Despite being around ten years old now the Toy Story franchise is still a huge hit with kids and the threat of ‘if you don’t sleep I’ll put your Buzz Lightyear in the bin’ still works with Ted. The added bonus is that Toy Story is as much a hit with adults as it is with chilblains, so Mummy and Daddy are eagerly awaiting it while debating ‘Who’s The Best Toy Story Character? Rex the Dinosaur v Mr Potato Head.’

Melton Monkeys, Leicestershire
www.pif.org.uk
every Tuesday 9:30am-3:30pm
£3 per child, £2.50 for each additional child
I shan’t lie to you, Melton Monkeys is a local initiative run by our friend Noah’s mummy. But who can argue with something that keeps the horrors entertained for almost the entire day for three quid?

Based in Melton’s Penman Spicer Hall (we know, limited readership in Melton Mowbray but, come on, it’s the home of the pork pie! The place deserves some love), Melton Monkeys has a truckload of gear on hand to entertain your smalls with plus the all important tea and coffee making facilities and loads of good, healthy snacks and drinks for the little’uns paid for honesty box style. But you’re welcome to bring your own food too if you’re strapped for pennies – it’s a small thing but as most parents know the whole ‘only food bought here to be consumed in this area’ rule stinks like Ted’s nappy.

We’re just waiting for the Market Harborough branch now…come along Noah’s mum!

lil: munch munch MUNCH!
ted: lollipop-num-nummmm
daddy: TED, STOP LICKING THE MICROPHONE

Approximately three weeks ago the toddler review embarked on a musical journey inspired by Eric Carle’s The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

Despite numerous diva-like toddler tantrums, creative differences and various attempts to eat musical equipment, the extended mp3 mix is finally AVAILABLE TO DOWNLOAD HERE for your listening pleasure … all 7 minutes of it. For best results, paint your face green, don a pair of deely boppers and squirm around on your stomach.

Composed exclusively by man vs moustache for the nunu nursery float at this year’s Market Harborough Carnival (Saturday 12th June 2010) and featuring legendary MC’s LiL vs TeD, it promises to be this years must have summer track.

MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH!