Legoland Windsor

Lillie: “Oh! I thought it was just going to be Lego!”

Businesses cottoned on to the fact that there’s money in them there kids many moons ago. Doubtless the dinosaurs were charged extra for Annabel Karmel branded leaves or something. But I don’t think that, in five looooong years of parenting, I’ve seen any brand take quite such advantage of the parental pound than those folks at LEGOtm.

I said nothing about the price of the Star Wars LEGO Wii game (or as original fan Elliott rather wonderfully refers to it, ‘Star Wars: The LEGO’). I took the extortionate price of a LEGO land cruiser on the chin because Ted was so bloody excited about the little R23P0.

But LEGOLAND Windsor…well, LEGOLAND (capital letters a must) Windsor can stick their blocks where the sun don’t shine quite frankly.

It was our own fault really. We didn’t check the website in advance. We foolishly assumed that a day out at the often scoffed at, slightly run down building block based theme park would cost us less than a last minute family holiday. So we blindly tripped along, happily expecting a nice little day out at a toddler-friendly theme park.

Oh how wrong we were. How, very, very wrong and very, very naive.

With our 2for1 vouchers which allowed the kids in gratis with two full paying adults our entrance fee tickets cost £82.80.

Alright, the kids loved it for the most part - the exception being the rapids, Viking River Splash, which soaked us to the skin and brought Ted to tears. The warnings that the ride would be ‘bumpy’ are there but they aren’t indicative of just how unsuitable it would be for smalls.

In fact, getting soaked seems to be a theme at LEGOLAND. Even the rather unimpressive Orient Expedition featured far too much water sprayed without warning directly in to one’s camera/face/mobile phone. The motto certainly seems to be: ‘when in doubt, drench your guests’. A tip I may take on myself for family parties.

The new Atlantis Submarine Voyage, I confess, was excellent. A great idea for small kids, who adored it and really believed they were underwater with the fishes, although as I felt the panic rising it occurred that a few more warnings for those of us with claustrophobia wouldn’t have gone amiss.

Surprisingly, LEGOLAND Windsor is huuuuuge. Which may give you the impression that you’re getting your money’s worth. But with a recommended age range of 2-12 it’s really not practical for its target audience. Little legs soon tire from the incessant walking and your day concludes with an uphill trek to the exit. Superb planning.

When you consider that Lillie pronounced her favourite part of the day to have been LEGO City - a collection of world cities built using the bricks, you have to wonder if the visit was worth the cost.

And since we’re back to cost, here’s a run down of our day at LEGOLAND…

2x adult entrance ticket - £82.80
Parking (yes, they really DO have the cheek to charge you for parking on the dusty waste ground car park too) - £2
4x lunch at Pirate’s BBQ (no children’s options IN A KID’S THEME PARK) and no non-fizzy drinks choices) - £30
4x drinks (only in humungous size) - £7.50
Service station food (Daddy’s pocket reached its limit and we ate on the way home) - £15.79
Petrol - £20.49

If we hadn’t had vouchers the children’s entrance would have cost £62.40

Grand total - £158.58 (or, without vouchers £220.98).

Very generously LEGOLAND offer return tickets for the following day from £10 for an adult and you do need two days if you have small children. However I think most parents would agree that they’d take a smaller park with less rides for a cheaper price. Consider Thomasland at Drayton Manor (I have my own issues with their charging policy but I’ll save that for another day); most five or six year olds will happily spend a full day there and it’s a quarter of the size with a theme that better lends itself to theme parkery.

Usually I’ll find something good to say about anything but in the case of LEGOLAND I’m struggling. I might have been more generous had I not been bombarded by adverts for LEGO of every shape and size as I stood in queues for certain rides and forced to exit through gift shops selling no end of crap but on this occasion I shall be just as joylessly cynical as the brand behind the theme park.

Mummy x